"Mr. Sun has attended many youth sports games this week. With my beloved Moleskine at the ready, I have been able to create thumbnail sketches of The Dirty Dozen:
the twelve stereotypical youth sports parents present at nearly every
game. If you live in this world, as I do, I dare say you know these
people. If you don’t, you may get to know them some day.
It’s time to Meet The [Youth Sports] Parents:
- Peggy Noonan
establishes an emotionally loaded but largely inaccurate theme early
on, then beats it to death throughout the game. On Monday, it was "The
opposing team is unsportsmanlike." It is strangely persuasive to
dimwitted mouth breathers.
- Stuart Smalley yells the all-purpose affirmation "You can do it!" all game long, even if — especially if — it is factually inaccurate.
- Arsenio whoops, plain and simple.
- Chris Matthews
begins to strike up conversations with those around him, but it soon
becomes apparent they are in fact soliloquies meant to stroke his own
- Nostradamus spends the entire game explaining that he foretold the outcome at some time in the past.
- Doris Kearns Goodwin provides tedious biographical sketches and anecdotes of her child as a running commentary.
- Rain Man
is the lovable autistic/Tourette’s sufferer who repeats the same single
phrase over and over for the whole game. On Wednesday, it was "
- The Great Santini prowls the sideline barking out contemporaneous commands to his child up to and including ordering a leg-breaking.
- The Carpetbagger wants you to understand this is his child\'s second\r\nfavorite sport and intends for you to know in great detail why his\r\nprimary sport is superior. It just so happens The Carpetbagger played\r\nthe primary sport himself and remembers a few stories about his own\r\nsuccess.
- Behind The Music Guy punctuates his own child\'s stellar performance with dark stories about the child\'s failures and shortcomings.
- Trump is very busy on his cellphone and notebook computer and desperately hopes you are taking note of his monumental importance.
- John Madden will colorfully break down every play in agonizing detail at the top of his voice. It will not make sense.