Cl"I’ve been thinking a lot about writing, and how at fourteen I used to just
write for several hours straight every night and how I’ve done nothing of the
sort for years now, and I finally had… well, I didn’t have an epiphany because
I’m emotionally stunted and I don’t feel things suddenly very often,
but I’ve finally arrived at the, in fact terribly obvious, answer. Which is that
I’m scared to suck. When I used to write, I did it on the solid understanding
with myself that I would be the only person ever allowed to read it, but
now I have an imaginary audience peering over my shoulder, because I do
want to publish, and time is ticking (sure, I’ve had the odd crisis of faith in
recent years, but they don’t last; I’ve wanted to be a writer ever since I
learnt to read, and I can’t see much direction in my life without
writing; it’s reassuring that it’s such a compulsion). Now, it’s all very well
to make a fool of yourself in front of your computer, and I’m far from against
it, but there’s pressure on me now to produce something a little bit beyond
that. And what if it turns out that all I can produce is me making a
fool of myself, or what if I think I’ve made something better, and show
it to someone else, and discover I’ve been stringing myself along all the time?
For those of you just tuning in, my ego is a WEE BIT DELICATE.

So, I have decided I’m just scared that I’m no good, and I don’t have faith
(this post is making writing sound like a deity… in fact I pretty much think
that if everyone spent their lives creating art, religion would get a bit
redundant) in what I’m writing, and I’m just trying to avoid proving that I am,
in fact, just a delusional hack, and the best way to do that is to just
think about writing and never write."


[via Leslie Russell]

3 thoughts on “Clarablog

  1. Yeah, those internal editors can really be a pain sometimes. This past summer I spent a lot of time trying to be funny on stage as a standup comic at various open mics in the Washington, DC, area. While a standup career may not be in the making it did a lot to boost my confidence and as well to quall my internal editors. I’ve read and been told more times than I care to hear it that speaking before an audience is the hardest thing you’ll ever do and scarier than dying to most human beings. I don’t deny it. But doing it and doing it comfortably if not well can go a long way to improve other aspects of your creative spirit. So it doesn’t matter if that’s not what you want to do for life, just do it as part of your writing education.

  2. in fact I pretty much think that if everyone spent their lives creating art, religion would get a bit redundant

    There are no words for how heartily I agree with this sentence.


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